You're too fat or too skinny; your breasts are too big or too small; your hair is the wrong color, style or length; you would be cute if... bottom line no matter what you do, you are not good enough to keep the man in your life or attract a new one. This is the message that the mass media bombard women with on a daily basis. When a woman dresses explicitly it is for the purpose of gaining admiration and attention from both men and women.
If the large, impersonal social structure is telling women that they must constantly compete with each other, you can imagine the psychological damage this causes at the smaller, personal social structure in female relationships with close friends and family. Most women are not intimidated by movie celebrities, playboy centerfolds and print media super models because they don't have physical access to their male partner. But when your friends and family show a bit too much skin it can be a daunting task to pretend that the man in your life did not see their cleavage in the two-sizes-too-small blouse. Many of us are shocked when friends betray friends on the talk shows; by admitting that they slept with their best friend's boyfriend or husband. Unfortunately, this happens more often than women are willing to admit to.
As a counseling psychologist working with women, I have discovered that one of the indirect causes of why women are disloyal to each other is based on self-hatred and low self-esteem more so than the need to hurt other women. In therapy sessions women have revealed that the reason that they slept with their friend's or relative's husband or boyfriend was not because the man was particularly appealing, but because of what the woman who had him represented. Therefore in essence sleeping with another woman's male partner was a way of indirectly possessing the qualities of the woman that the friend admired.
All names have been changed
Sonia, 33: "My relationship with my sister-in-law is putting a strain on the entire family. I hate her because my husband, her brother, is always bragging to me about how pretty and smart she is. I was so tired of hearing that sh--!" When she went on a business trip for two weeks, I asked her husband to sleep with me. His big mouth told the entire family. I denied it, but no one believed me. I got four kids and I dropped out of high school. I envy my sister in-law for getting a college education and not having a bunch of kids. Sometimes I just wonder what it feels like to be her. Her stomach is flat, she got the cutest shape. I figured that if I could get her man, then that means I am just as smart as she is."
Belinda, 28: "A female friend said to me about our mutual friend Tammy, 'We shouldn't even set our sights on the same type of man that Tammy attracts. Her body is slammin,' she can't get nothing but lawyers and doctors. With the way our fat asses look, we should be lucky if he got a job.' That hurt me so much. I can't believe that she said that to me. I love Tammy, but I couldn't help wondering if she thought she was better than me. Yep, I slept with her, boyfriend. I had to. I had to prove to myself that I am just as good as she is. I don't know why she even bothers to sleep with him, he was a terrible lover, but I am an even worst friend."
Doreen, 24: "Your friend buys a dress that you love. Right? She knows that you love that dress, but you can't wear it because your stomach is too big. Fine. Whenever, we go shopping and see the same pair of shoes that we want to buy; You guessed it, it's always in her size and not mine. She just got promoted. I am happy for her, you know what I am saying. If somebody had an ice-cream cone and was always licking it in front of your face, talking about how good it is, wouldn't you just want to try it one time? I'll will never look like Sabrina in a dress, I can accept the fact that I wasn't made that way. When we are together people are always looking at her. But when I made love to her boyfriend, I pretended that I was her because I wanted to feel as beautiful as Sabrina. I hate myself for what I did because she was my only friend. But I finally got to get something that I thought that only she could have."
When a woman buys into the social belief that her worth is attached to her physical appearance, she overlooks the true beauty that lies in the substance of her character. Becoming sexually involved with a friend's male partner is a tool of destruction that perpetuates an energy of competition and self-loathing amongst women. A woman emotionally exploits and rapes another woman by becoming sexually intimate with her male partner. Loyalty, trust, honesty, integrity, faithfulness, and honor are psychological boundaries that solidify healthy relationships with our selves and other.
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